They next day they called me in and did a full body PET scan and if the news of yesterday wasn’t bad enough they found that the cancer was not only in my spine but my skull, neck, both shoulder blades, both collar bones, every rib, every vertebra, both arms, both legs, and my hips.

The right hip was so eaten up that they were concerned that I would have a pathological fracture right on the hip bone. If that happened, then I’d be bedridden for sure.

At the time they talked about a hip replacement but later on I found out that privately they never  scheduled one or even considered one since I was just placed under palliative care.  In other words, they were going to make me as comfortable as possible until I died.

I had 10 radiation treatments which I also learned later were not to seek a cure for my condition but only to relieve the pain for the cancer that was literally eating me from the inside out.

I remember sitting on the bed on the night that I got all of this news and looking at my husband and saying, “I am going to die.”

The thought of leaving my two girls was all but unbearable and looking back on it I have mixed feelings about the doctors hiding their true opinion of my chances—which I also discovered was not done on purpose but happened because of an miscommunication between doctors.

The radiation itself produced horrifying side effects. After treatment number eight, I had burns to my back and legs, where they radiated the hips. I lost my voice and didn’t know if I’d ever sing again. I thought 10 treatments were awful and begged to stop after eight but they convinced me that I needed the 10, that they were doing the highest dose possible and If I stopped I couldn’t restart it again. So I finished the 10.

The radiation helped me get out of the wheel chair and walk again with a cane which I thought was great. Little did I know that on my charts was recorded that this treatment was totally palliative – there was no hope for a cure, but they wanted to make me as comfortable as possible and they hoped I would last through Christmas for my kids sake.